Thursday, July 14, 2011
Am I more paranoid than the average person?
I know everyone's paranoid but am i a bit more than the average person? A lot of times i think people are talking about me and when i see people laughing and they are near me i feel like it's about me. Sometimes i don't go to class if i'm going to be late because i don't like walking in and knowing all of them might be judging me. Sometimes when i walk by a group of people i think they are talking about me/will start talking about me when i walk by. For instance let's say i think they are going to make fun of my shirt (it is not usually this type of thing but sometimes) i swear i will hear them say the word shirt when i walk by. so maybe they are. I don't like going to the bathroom in class because i'm afraid when i leave the room someone might say a comment about me and then everyone else will think it too. When i feel judged sometimes i like to judge people to make myself feel more safe. It is usually with fat people. I will look at them and focus on all their rolls and everything and how weak and disgusting they are and deem them unworthy. I then feel slightly guilty and mean but it is something i need to do. Because they are unworthy of their judgement to count so i don't care what they think of me. A few days ago the bottom of my nose itched and i started to scratch it, then i realized it might look like i was picking it. (i was in my room alone) i felt like if i scratched it there would be a camera recording it and i knew the idea was ludicrous but i still could not bring myself to scratch it! Sometimes when people say hey jennifer in the halls and smile i don't want to say hi back because i feel like they are being sarcastic or mocking me. This doesn't happen too much when they are alone, but if i walk by a group of people and one says hi i almost always feel like the minute i say hi then pass they will crack up about me. Sometimes i think things that i don't believe because i feel like if someone could hear my thoughts those are things i should think to make up for the weird thought i had just had. Please help because i know these ideas seem far fetched but i can't stop them.
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